Found out today that the $600 my boyfriend has been sending his “sister” every month is actually going to his ex.

We've been together almost 3 years. I literally helped cover our security deposit when we moved because I had some money saved and he told me things were tight for him lol.

I only found out because I mentioned to his sister that I hoped things were getting better financially since he’d been helping her every month. She looked at me like I was insane and said he hasn’t given her money in years.

He gets home in about an hour and has no idea I know.

Anyway salmon, spaghetti and salad, need carbs before whatever the fuck tonight is gonna be.

My wife can’t be openly trans in our town, because people would call her names and threaten her safety, but our community regularly props up a tier 3 sex offender who literally committed sexual battery against his student when he was a teacher.

Mind you, this guy was 33 and his student was 15. He was convicted, in a court of law, for this crime. My wife and I have continued to advocate against him being around kids. He shows no remorse.

This man literally DJs events in our town that are ‘family friendly’ and RUNS A RETRO TOY STORE, and no one does anything about it, but if my wife wore a dress in public, she would get beat up. Small towns are all about ‘protecting children’ except they don’t actually mean that, they’re just bigots.

Dinner is a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar.

Edit: Thank you for all of the sweet comments. To everyone else, yes, we are planning on moving. It’s a process. Also, we moved here partially because of affordability and my health issues in the first place, it’s not like we just moved here for funsies. Please stop telling us to move, we are trying.

​

*Sweetheart salad with fried tofu, cherry limeade. Eaten in the sunny window of my favorite cafe while reading a graphic novel*

This is a post in which I admit to being a terrible person.

My sister has schizoaffective disorder. She is currently in the middle of an episode and was last seen running down the side of the parkway after jumping out of her boyfriend's car. I feel nothing but a vague sense of disappointment.

I have watched her blow up her life again and again. Getting arrested, dating abusive men, stealing from family, abandoning jobs, drinking and drugs, disappearing. Over and over. And I'm just numb.

She has hurt every member of our family in different ways and I know I've gotten lucky compared to others. But some things are unforgivable. And she absolutely lacks the self awareness to understand or care what she's done to others.

Honestly I'm just waiting for the call that she has died. Not because I want it, but because it feels inevitable. We've gotten her in treatment, we've gotten her on meds, we've paid her bail and not reported her crimes. It's been a decade and it just doesn't work.

Eventually she's going to OD, or get murdered by one of her semi homeless drug addict boyfriends, or get hit by a car (again). I feel like I'm mourning her in advance. I've cried for her, I've stayed out all night looking for her. Sat up by the phone waiting all night for a call. Over and over. And every time, I feel a little less.

I will love whatever time we have together but I'm done getting pulled in.

well this sucks. luckily, it wasn’t when we were dating, but today he let it slip that he used to have a fling with his girl best friend. I pressed him on it and he told me that he ended it with her before him and I started seeing each other. for some context, about a month and a half ago, he went across state lines to go visit her, I had a bad feeling about it and they both made me feel like I was crazy and overreacting, he’s never given me a single inkling that anything sexual has EVER happened between them (I have BPD and was convinced I was just in my head about things). I’ve even asked him about it before and he told me nothing has happened been them. today, he let me go through his phone and I found a text that was sent ON MY BIRTHDAY about him “cumming inside of her next time”. he had told me I was the only girl he’s ever had penetrative sex with. it took me multiple tries to actually get the truth out of him because he kept insisting it was a joke before finally admitting he’s fucked her before. im so hurt and angry. we were seeing each other on and off, so this text wasn’t sent while we were dating, but it still hurts that he lied about his sexual history to me. it 100% wouldn’t have been a big deal if he was just honest from the get-go, but he lied throughout our entire relationship about his history with her. im not proud to admit it but i kicked his trash can over on the way out :( anyways, Olive Garden with my friends about an hour before this all occurred, sorry for the bad formatting, im on mobile

Korean mushroom porridge. Got it for him cuz he’s recovering but I ended up eating quite a bit too. Its good.

My boyfriend had appendicitis and had to get an emergency appendectomy 2 days ago. They determined that there were no complications so they discharged him this evening and I got to bring him home. Yay. 🎉

He was kind of just a rambling potato for the first 2 hours cuz they just gave him a dose of painkillers before discharging him. And he couldn’t physically move cuz it hurt, so he just sat on the sofa completely still. So we had a nice long conversation.

I could immediately tell he wasn’t normal cuz he was so much more uncensored and just said whatever he wanted to. It was such a turn on. He kept doing this really silly thing, where he would go “I’m gonna say something unhinged,” then I would wait and expect something truly unhinged, but he’d say the sweetest shit and looked so shy saying it😭. My personal favourites were him saying that he smells my conditioner sometimes when he’s stressed out cuz it reminds him of me, and that he gets goosebumps when I touch him cuz his “body can’t handle” me. He also says he gets turned on everytime I wear a sports bra😩, which is interesting considering I go on a run almost daily… That has to be the most romantic set if things I’ve ever heard him say, and its such a pity he said it while basically high on painkillers 😭.

We talked a bunch more and then the topic went to relationships, then marriage and family. And then he said something that made me tear up so bad. He asked if I ever wanted kids, and I said yea. Then I asked him back, and he said he wants kids only if I’m okay with it. Then I asked him why. And he proceeded to express his incredibly deep fear and hatred of nausea and vomitting, and said that he’d be really anxious seeing me like that for months. And that resonated with me in 2 ways. Cuz firstly, I just spent less than a week taking care of him being all nauseous and vomitting really badly, and yea, it was incredibly scary and sad, and it’s so comforting that he also recognises that. And secondly, it just made me feel so blessed, because he’s so considerate and cute😩.

Btw I am drunk for the first time in awhile. Reason being, I got selected for my internship! Unfortunately I’m celebrating alone because he can’t have alcohol with painkillers. Also he got the internship too and I’ll tell him in the morning. Good night friends❤️

Y’all wanted an update? Unfortunately, you got one.

Some of you may remember my last post about how my then-boyfriend had suddenly begun to “understand polyamory.” 🙄 Funny what kinds of personal discoveries a man can make when a new shiny toy decides she likes his company.

ANYWAYS. Congratulations to the approximately 400 of you who told me to dump him. The council has been heard. He sent me a photo of him crying, which has made me feel immensely better. Because yeah, I think you should feel bad. And I’ve laughed looking at it because.. what the fuck 😂

Also, special recognition to everyone who read my two posts about this man and immediately clocked it: “Is he military?” because yes. Yes, he is. Somehow yall knocked that out of the park. Navy, specifically. Idk what kind of collective trauma-informed pattern recognition is happening in this subreddit, but apparently never trust a Navy man is today's lesson. Which is fine by me.

Unfortunately, quite literally not even 12 hours after becoming single, the men began their descent. I did NOT issue a press release. I did NOT update my relationship status. I did NOT light the beacons of Gondor. And yet somehow...

I was walking downtown when a cute guy around my age scootered past me, turned around, and came back to ask for my number. ✔️

An ex has suddenly decided he'd very much like me to come visit him in Miami. This conversation has already deteriorated to the point where he asked me if I was ovulating, so that's going great. ✔️

And, because apparently we needed a third horseman, a friend confessed that he's in love with me. ✔️

Also an old hinge match asked me out for drinks this week. Unfortunately like my ex, he is an engineer and I’m growing weary of anyone in the engineering profession. ✔️

Did I mention that now I have a suitor in my TikTok DMs asking for feet pics? Yeah I think I’m good on that front. 🧍🏼‍♀️

It has been less than two days. I’m trying to move. I tore my MCL a couple weeks ago, I’m trying to go back to work early and rescind my notice. I’m stressed. I don’t have time nor the want to sort through applicants.

And apparently becoming single after being official for two months and in that fuck ass situationship for six months, released some sort of bat signal for men to come bother my peace. And it’s detectable across state lines. I don't know. I'm tired. I just wanted butter chicken.

Forgot to say this is homemade butter chicken and chickpeas, basmati rice, steamed broccoli, and garlic naan with one of my fav kombuchas. Made by me.

Also noteworthy: in a moment of tremendous emotional stability and excellent financial decision-making, I hired an Etsy witch. I expected “he'll come back 💕 divine masculine 💕 twin flame 💕” or whatever. Instead she essentially pulled three cards and told me, “Girl, what the fuck are you doing? Stop dating men for their potential and observe their actual behavior.”

So.. even the supernatural community is sick of my shit.

Edit: I will not be dating anyone, thank you for your concerns! I enjoy being single and have shot down everyone. This is more of a ramble 🚮

Edit 2: Some incel tried to dox me from this post. Whoever you are, I hope you have the day you deserve. To anyone else who lurks or posts on here, be careful ❤️🧍🏼‍♀️

​

I randomly remembered this story today and honestly it's embarrassing enough that I've only ever told my closest friends, but I feel like Girl Dinner deserves to hear it.

I was 19 and studying abroad in Canada. One evening, I went to a gas station/convenience store near where I was staying and sat outside on a bench for a minute after shopping.

A man in his early 40s approached me and asked if I had a lighter. We started chatting, and he told me he'd only been in the city for about a week and was having an existential crisis because he felt lonely and didn't know anyone. He seemed genuinely sad, so I just kept him company and talked to him.

Eventually we went to a park near by and he pulled out some vodka and beers from his backpack. I declined, but we kept talking until it got dark. He got pretty drunk, but honestly, the whole interaction felt completely harmless. He seemed to be cheering up, which made me happy.

Then he asked if I'd ever tried THC edibles. I said yes, and he told me he had a bag of really good ones that he'd bought and wanted to give me as a thank-you for making his evening better.

The catch? They were at his house.

And for some reason, my 19-year-old brain went: "Sure :)”

So I FOLLOWED THIS STRANGE MAN HOME. At night. Alone. For candy.

He had a little porch and told me to wait outside while he went in to get them.

And THAT was when my brain finally loaded the missing survival instincts, I stood there thinking:

"Oh my God. I have literally followed a drunk stranger to his house because he promised me candy."

At that point I had two options:

1) Leave immediately and preserve my life.

2) Stay and find out whether I was about to receive some perfectly innocent THC gummies or become the subject of a true crime documentary.

Naturally, my brilliant 19 y/o self chose option 2.

My heart was basically trying to escape through my ass.

And then the door opened.

He walked out...with the fucking candy.

No kidnapping. No murder. No plot twist.

Just me, standing on a stranger's porch at night, realizing I had somehow survived my own terrible decision-making. 😭

//spicy tuna on a seweed cracker.

[food pictured: oysters, prawns, and whelks I had in Arcachon]

I feel like every time I go online now, regardless of the platform, I see posts/videos romanticising Michael Jackson? I thought the evidence was pretty conclusive even if he wasn’t officially convicted.

Ive even seen several videos saying MJ was killed because he tried to warn us about Epstein?? What the actual fuck…

It’s not normal for a grown man to share his bed with children that are not his own. I don’t know why anyone would try to justify this, or assume that several victims coming forward are all apart of some conspiracy.

I love her to death. And I genuinely do not play about this girl. But. It gets to a point. She constantly hops from one guy to another. Maybe a break here and there because one of them ends up also catching feelings for her and she gets back into a relationship. But as soon as they break up, she will be right in another man’s car faster than you can open your own car door. You get the gist. And honestly, I don’t care. We’re young. She can do whatever she wants. Go wild. The issue comes in when her whole identity is revolved around a guy or another. Crying, texting me she misses her ex she’s not fully broken up with one second, and at another guy house the next. She always always catches feelings for her hook ups too. Which means it is constant crying asking why this keeps on happening to her. Saying how all men are trash. Meanwhile her ex boyfriends have all treated her insanely well. Even after they find out she cheated. And I get it. We have bad experiences with men here and there. I have my own. I understand what it feels to lose yourself when it comes to love sometimes. But with her, it’s all the time. Now she is on her way to hook up with a guy that’s friends with my ex. So yay! This is after she kept spamming me the whole day (while I was on my sick bed btw) about how much she misses her ex (that she still talks to every day and call each other pet names). I don’t want to drop her because of this. My old friends dropped me over a guy, that I never even talked to them about. So I don’t want to be like them. But it really sucks having a friend who can’t be without man for a second. And I have talked to her about all of this. She told me multiple times she would focus on her friends and herself various of times. Just to end up with another guy a week later. What also bothers me is how she used another girl friend to get closer to her ex before they started dating. She told me she wanted him but didn’t want to look desperate so she convinced another friend to start talking to him first and she’d played the wingwoman. And in the end her and said guy ended up going out without the friend and they hooked up and bla bla bla they got attached and started dating. Everything she does when it comes to a guy just rub me the wrong way and theres always a guy so

Brown butter McDonald’s breakfast

Bagels with cream cheese and blue berry jam. So i tried to break things off with this guy twice and he wont take no for an answer. We meet and he smells aweful. He ended up saying he loved me on the first night at the hotel and I didn't know what to say so I said I love you back. I know i shouldnt have. When we made out his breath tasted terrible. I had to brush my teeth twice when we hung out. He had left roses on my door step as someone had let him into the apartment buidling. I feel so damn guilty. As a fat woman im trying to give him a chance and take what I can get but its hard. I donot love this man. When he left to go to the train he tried to give me one of his shirts I declined as his shirts stunk so bad that didnt want them in my apartment. Im not sure what to do. Also he would just fart loudly right infront of me and im like you couldn't go into the next room to do all that or say excuse me ? And he burps loudly too. When we went around town together he put on a kimono for me because he knows I'm into Japanese culture and it was so embarrassing because of kimono had sumo wrestlers on it and it looked very costumey to me and very loud. While we were walking around at the bookstore so many people were staring at us and I was really embarrassed At the same time I dont want to be alone....

It’s not a serious question. I know what I need to do. What the responsible thing is. The logical thing.

But I also know what I want to do.

I feel like I’m grieving the baby and the life I thought we’d have next year. Except there was never a baby to begin with. Just the idea of one.

We’re already in our mid to late 30s. It took a while to decide to pull the trigger on having a baby. I’ve been anxious about getting the timing right, of doing it at the best time. It finally felt like the best time. We’ve been working on our health, working on our home, making preparations. For an entire year. I was supposed to stop taking my birth control this month. We were ready. Excited. We had all these plans.

And then came the unexpected MRI results, just a few weeks ago. I’ve been having a lot of health issues for years that have been stagnant.. no real answers or explanations. The MRI wasn’t even looking for a neurological problem, but there it was. The only fix is surgery on my brain and spinal cord. The recovery time is about a year. Maybe longer. And it’s not even a cure, just a chance at improving symptoms.

It’s not an emergency, I won’t die without the surgery. But leaving it untreated is risky. It could cause more nerve damage than it already has. It could get worse, and it’s already bad enough. Or it could stay the same. There’s no way to know.

Going through pregnancy is also risky, both before surgery or after. It will be high risk. It will mean a planned c-section under general anesthesia. It will never be the way I was hoping it would be. I feel like that’s been stolen from me and it’s not fair.

I’m so sick and tired of my body being broken and having to put my life on hold and miss out on things because of it. Part of me wants to say fuck it and just live my life. Forget that I know this information. Maybe I get pregnant, maybe I don’t. But I’m not that stupid or reckless, and it would be stupid and reckless to wait and to go through surgery and recovery while caring for an infant. But the alternative is putting our plans on hold for probably two years, and I don’t know how to accept that. I took so long to make this decision and now that I’ve decided, I don’t know how to let it go. I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. But I think I have to.

Caesar pasta salad straight out of the tupperware.

Affogato because I don’t feel like eating.

The other day, I (26) caught my bf (36) cheating on me. He left his 2nd phone at home (yes, we live together) I always had a feeling someting is off. I checked his phone, at first it was pretty harmless nothing out of ordinary so I left it there. Then, after couple of minutes I had an urge to check the downloaded apps (silly me).

Lo an behold, I found out he has telegram acount and he is cheating on me with 4 other girls. Ofc, I needed to see what they are up to — apparently all the girls he is taking to are from p0** site they are sending dirty messages, sending photos and worst of all he is the one initiating. I scrolled up and the convo went up ‘til March 2024. Wow, we’ve been together since 2022. I felt like my whole world was on fire.

I confronted him when he got home, he admitted everything. He even told me he started all this last 2023, which makes the scenario worse. I asked him to move out but gave him a month to figure things out, where to go, reschedule his appointments, work, etc.

Man, this sucks! We have not been intimate since 2024, he is always avoidant. He doesn’t hug me back, not even hold my hands. BUT he is very caring, he takes care of the house, groceries, cleaning, laundry, everything. I am so confused how a person can be very caring but cold and distant at the same time.

We talked for hours. He wanted to be back together, I said I am not sure. He said he’ll change. I still didn’t change my mind about him moving out but he asked if he could visit me, help with laundry and all. He said he wants to change. He wants forgiveness and second chance.

I am deeply hurt with what happened, but part of me wants him back. Am i dumb to think that? I know sexting is not as serious as actual but I still believe its cheating. I am a firm believer of no second chances if it’s cheating but I guess now that I am in this scenario, its hard to decide.

Is it possible for someone to care for you deeply but not want to do anything with you intimately? This deeply broke me, I asked for one week off to sort things out, think, rest, cry and etc.

Dinner is some melon cubes because I can't stomach anything else now.

⚠️Trigger warnings⚠️: violence and death

My neighbor, who I share a wall with, got killed last night and I heard most of it. I won't go into spesifics for obvious reasons, but this is the single most traumatic thing that I have ever been through. And I feel so selfish for feeling like this, because someone actually lost their life and someone lost their mom/sister/daughter.

I gave my statement to the police and I was shaking the whole time and they just said "okay cool you can go back in now." I called my mom, but she's abroad on vacation right now and won't be back this week. For the last 7 hourse I have just been laying on the floor and playing sudoku on my phone.

I had a friend group break-up earlier this year so I have been pretty lonely. I only have like coworkers that I sometimes see on the weekends. We are not close friends (yet), so I don't feel like I can call them and say "hey something traumatic happend."

I am... or maybe was a big horror fan. I have Gillian Flynn's Dark Places on my nightstand and my Netflix "continue watching" is full of shows about killers, zombies and ghosts. My comfort show is Hannibal for god's sake.

I'm so stressed what's gonna happend next. Do they want me to go to the police station to give a more official statement. And then court??? I live in a tiny country so every time there's a murder case, the whole damn country is talking about it. Luckily this hasn't hit the news yet.

Maybe I need to go get my old Disney movies from storage and watch some princess movies. And try to eat some ice cream

UPDATE: I watched Beauty and the Beast, played tetris and had a good cry. I called my mom again before she went to bed. I also contacted my university's psychologist so hopefully we can arrange a meeting for next week. My classes haven't started yet so that's not an issue. I will be writing everything down on a piece of paper tomorrow.

I did do 3 years of therapy because of OCD, so I definitely have more grounding techniques and other coping skills than the average Joe. That said I will absolutely be contacting whatever professional(s) the psychologist recommends. Weekly therapy doesn't fit into my current budget, but I know student health care has some free therapy options.

And lastly, thank you to every single person who sent me virtual hug <3

(S’mores eaten for breakfast at 5AM because I need a sense of freedom in my life)

This man called a wellness check on me because I blocked him. Cops showed up at my fucking door. I broke up with him in March and, while he initially observed my request for no contact over phone, proceeded to deliver letters to me (all like twenty page manifestos of his broken heart) every week BY HAND. It felt like harassment at best, stalking at worst. I was scared to leave my house for fear of running into him. Leaving him already meant I had to give up most of my friendships and professional opportunities, because we both work in the same field of the arts where all the events I’d normally go to were places he would be.
But now he’s basically made me a shut-in and I don’t know what to do. I know from personal experience (well, my mom’s) that restraining orders don’t do shit. I can’t even tell mutuals what he’s doing to me, because it would probably make it worse and it would likely be me who would actually be negatively impacted by it.

Eventually I called him, told him I asked for no contact and that he was violating that request as well as my sense of personal safety with his letters and visits to my building. He “disagreed”, but he stopped with the letters. Started calling me instead with the same stuff about how I’m the love of his life but also [every slur for women you can think of]. I blocked him and two weeks later, this happened. His reasoning is that he’s gone with me to the ER three times this year, so I should take it as proof of how much he cares about me.

I have tried to end things with him basically every month we were together (9) and only stayed because he threatened to harm himself every time. Even after the first date, I told him I wasn’t interested and he convinced me to give him another chance. I’ve told him I don’t love him, I’m not attracted to him, and all he‘s ever said is that that “doesn’t matter.” Keep in mind, he’s 36. I’m about to turn 25. I truly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired. He’s wearing me down. There doesn’t seem to be a way to make this end that wouldn’t put my career — or even myself — in jeopardy. (He’s not my boss, by the way, it’s just that this world is so small and interlinked it’s impossible to avoid anyone in it.)

I guess I should mention that this post isn’t rage bait. Just another shitty, shitty man

I have been in a major depressive episode for months. It’s been a huge struggle. Questioning the point of trying or ever putting yourself out there.

I had a stomach bug last week. Then this Sunday I came down with a cold. Work has been killing me I’m so behind so I worked from home all week and didn’t take any time off. I’ve been crushing at work for years, delivering crazy sales beats, doing extra projects and then was told last Friday that promotion hadn’t even been thought of.

Someone I thought actually cared about me made it very clear that I only matter to him when it’s convenient.

My chronically ill cat threw up twice this morning and wouldn’t eat until one small bite 20 minutes ago.

I had a huge work meeting today even though I literally wanted to just huddle around my cat and cry and so as a boost to myself for making it through the day, crushing the meeting and being productive even though I wanted to run away to the abyss, I was gonna treat myself to Shake Shack from door dash.

The dasher marked it as delivered 3 blocks from my house with a completely black out photo like the phone was pressed to his sleeve and then wouldn’t respond to any messages or calls, so probably stole my order. I got my money back but now have no treat dinner and am crying into a bowl of crunch berries.

I’m so so tired of trying.

Scallion noodles fried mushrooms and beer from some place in Bushwick

legit feels like we’re in Hell and I’m not sure how to cope

Every day it just feels like I’m being swallowed deeper and deeper into a pit of Hell by living in this world. AI everywhere, algorithms and ads, everything’s monetized, no one can afford to live, job market is trash, wildfires engulfing the planet, fascism on the rise, mansphere anti-women rhetoric and violence on the rise, it doesn’t end.

I know things were never perfect but I just wish we could go back to 2010 and start over. We literally did not know how much worse things were going to get and how quickly. I know I could protect my peace by disengaging and not being on Reddit for instance or social media in general, but I find it so hard not to want to be connected in some way, even though it literally makes me feel sick. I do delete both Reddit and IG intermittently and I haven’t had Facebook in at least a decade, so there’s that. I am trying to incorporate things like cooking, reading, and seeing theater instead of just doom scrolling, but it still gets to me. You honestly can’t even avoid it by staying off of social media. It is everywhere. Everyone is angry. Everyone is depressed. Everyone is anxious and it comes out in the way that we treat each other in daily interactions.

I guess it’s really hitting me harder lately because I’ve thought seriously about being a mom and I just question why when things are so shit but I guess it’s my monkey brain taking over. I just feel quite despondent. I do have a therapist and I am on meds, but it doesn’t really change this oppressive feeling of hopelessness just from existing in this world. And I live in New York City, where we do have Mamdani thank God. But it’s really hard to look at the future and really see anything but an even more bleak existence. It’s honestly making me feel very guilty about even thinking about bringing a child into this shit show.

Please don’t recommend adoption, it’s not a feasible option for everyone or I’d gladly look into it.

My wife of ten years left me, and I felt completely blindsided (deleted my previous post abt getting divorced by phone call bc while that was awful, it made me seem like too much of the victim). She said I'd been cruel for years (irritable, quick to snap over small things, unwilling to compromise; no yelling or name calling) and I kept defending myself by saying I was sorry I'd hurt her, yet I hadn't meant to do so. She came back to our space to pack up her things and we got into a short, awful fight that was entirely my fault, and I saw myself clearly. She's been right this whole time and I should've sought therapy years ago.

This relationship is irreparable (I've apologized and am giving her space as we finalize moving out and filing divorce), but I don't ever want to hurt someone like this again. I'm starting individual therapy + an autism assessment (turns out normal people don't get so distressed over dumb things like everyday sounds being too loud or changes in plans), and as much as I want a life partner, I'm definitely not dating until I can fix this in myself. That said, I'm second-guessing all of my other relationships with friends and acquaintances now. Like, how do you recognize when a reaction that feels proportional/normal to you is actually out of line?

Food is a protein shake

Food is not very saucy Alfredo with chicken.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years, and we’ve somehow developed a bedtime ritual. A while back, he told me about a song he used to sing when he was younger. It’s about seeing the moon, the moon seeing you, and the moon also seeing someone you wish you could see. The whole idea is that you’re all under the same moon together.

We’ve lived together for a couple years now, and at some point we slowly started singing it to each other before bed every night. We also added our own little ending that wasn’t part of the original song, where we say that the person we want to see is each other.

Now it’s just become part of ending our day. There’s something really sweet about basically saying, “I see the moon, the moon sees you, and I want to see you too,” even though we’re literally lying right next to each other lol. It also feels like our little way of saying we hope we get to see many, many more days together. We’ve even talked about how one day we want to sing the same song to our kids. I love the idea of this song from his childhood becoming something we pass on to our own children someday.

We’re definitely people of habit because we also have a specific handshake we do every single morning when we leave for work. Anyway, just wanted to share one of those tiny relationship things that mean so much, but I haven’t told many ppl.

I eat 30+ grams of fiber a day. Don’t eat a lot of sugary foods or drinks, prioritize lots of protein, workout, try to eat mostly whole foods.
It’s so hard for me to have consistent shits. My bf poops like MOUNTAINS every day. I finally was having consistency, large poos, at least once a day. That lasted like maybe two weeks?

Now here I am again, bloated after eating breakfast, pain in lower left abdomen, can’t seem to go. I’m sure it has something to do with stress and being unable to relax my pelvic floor. I drink plenty of water

Usually I’m able to move my bowels after my oatmeal, coffee breakfast. Nothing has worked. Very small hard, poos.
Yesterday, I gave in. Used a liquid suppository. Didn’t work. Don’t know if I used it right. Used a second. Then the flood gates. A decent poo, but knowing I’ve been so backed up there was more. Decided to let it be.
Today, same thing. Morning breakfast. No poo.

Two suppositories later, lots of warm water, and yoga poses. Finally something came. Writing this on the toilet. It feels ok but not acceptable. Maybe it’s because I’ve been in a calorie deficit and my body is angry. Anyways that’s my rant. Sorry

TW: death

Sorry for the half-eaten pic, I'm a bit of a mess. Hamburger with way too much pepper and watermelon.

The woman I had fallen in love with just passed and it happened while I was on the phone with her.

We met on hinge and hit it off pretty quick. We had a ton in common and we really liked each other pretty quickly. We used to call on the phone for several hours a day every single day for about a month. I came to fall in love with her very quickly, but I never said it cause we hadn't met in person yet. We were planning to, but during the first week and a half, I had a bad cold and then during the last couple weeks of us talking, she got a really bad cold. It lasted about a week but then the second week she started her period, and then a couple days later, she started complaining about sharp stomach pain. We waited a couple days to see if it would go away but it never did and I suggested she go to urgent care since it hadn't gotten better. At first, she didn't want to because she was dealing with legal fees for a citation and didn't want to add medical fees on top of it, and by the last day, she was too tired cause she hadn't been able to keep anything down for days at that point. The last day of her life, she told me she realized the cup she had been drinking water from for days at this point had very likely been spiked by someone that had come to her house from a club earlier and never been washed. She was extremely sluggish and tired, mumbled or didn't make sense a lot. I thought before this point that she had an ulcer or something. I didn't know anything about those sorts of drugs or what happens if you take them multiple days in a row. That night, the phone call hung up. I assumed her phone had died after she fell asleep as had happened multiple times before, and she would call me when she woke up. But then I never heard from her. The first day, I was super worried and anxious, but I hadn't known her all that long, so it felt invasive to go searching for her family to tell them I was concerned. Everyone kept reassuring me that she probably was just tired or someone took her to urgent care. The second she didn't call me back all day, I knew in my gut that she was dead. I just felt it. But I held off cause it felt like the mature and respectful thing to do. It wasn't until the third day that I remembered her last name and found her grandpa on Facebook and told him they should do a wellness check. That night, he called me and told me she was dead. And I had the audacity to sob on the phone to her grandpa who had known her since birth and just found out his granddaughter was dead.

I can't even begin to explain the guilt I feel. If I had listened to my gut and insisted she went to urgent care or asked her for her address and last name or something to call her an ambulance or wellness check. The one single time in my entire life I actually don't listen to my anxiety and it cost someone their life. She had dreams to become a collegiate volleyball coach. She was so excited for her brother to move closer to her from out of state. We were gonna watch all of Blackish together cause it was her favorite show. There were so many places I wanted to show her. Her laugh was literally the best sound I've ever heard. It was so contagious, it was impossible not to laugh along. She had so much life left to live and now it's all over. The last day of her life, literally the entire day I kept getting the impulse to tell her I love her. I wanted to say it SO bad, but I didn't cause it felt selfish to say it while she was in a state like that. And now I'll never get the chance. I'll never get to hold her or kiss her or take her on cute lesbian dates. I'll never hear her laugh again or hear her call me "my Samsy" or say "good morning starshine the earth says hello" when she wakes up in the morning. Her family doesn't know me at all beyond me being the one to break the news to them that their beloved family member might be dead. They all live in another state, there's no way some random girl who didn't know her for that long and isn't part of the family gets invited to the funeral service. But god if I didn't know the fuck out of her. Literally the second I'm not distracted, all I can think about is her, guilt over what I could've done different, anger towards whoever was at fault (someone who will probably never see justice or even get investigated. Police didn't suspect foul play), sadness for her family and friends and players that never even got to say goodbye. I didn't deserve to be the last person to ever talk to her, it's not fair to them.

Anyways, that's about as much as I can bear to type rn but I had to get it off my chest. My heart hurts a lot right now.

Salt and vinegar chips, mozzarella, pickles, cheddar and prosciutto

I was let got from my job today after 4 months. For 3 of those months, my work was met with nothing but positivity and praise.

Suddenly, last month when the team got together in person, I became the subject of conversation. My manager became cold and critical. Nothing I did was good enough. I disclosed my adhd diagnosis while at this in person event, after getting feedback about being distracted. My manager asked me if I was “actually diagnosed” and if l “was medicated”.

After my managers 2 week leave following this event, I let her know I was pregnant (whoops). She asked if I knew what I was going to do and then proceeded to give me advice on medication abortion. Now a week later, they let me go. 1 month after our in person event.

I can’t help but feel like this is discrimination but I’m not an expert. All I know is that I got shit on by people who talk about the importance of workplace culture and the idea that “we trust you to do your work”. But then absolutely switched up on me for no reason. No one else was treated like this and I did all my work well and on time.

But yeah. Sad girl dinner I guess. Last time I’ll have prosciutto for a while (it was a splurge anyway bc this job paid shit), in an economy that’s beating all our asses.

To add: I started miscarrying today from the stress of this fuck ass job.

My partner (41M) and I (33 F) have been together for nearly two years, living together for most of it as I moved into his house 6 months after we met. This was a big deal for me as I have never lived with a partner and had my own place for nearly a decade. But at the time it felt right.

Fast forward to this past April, we went on a trip to Chicago that I basically bankrolled (he saved $700 for spending money). I ended up spending way more than I budget because it was our vacation, so fuck it. We were both employed full time with decent jobs, we could recoup the funds quickly, or so I thought. After we got home he kept "using PTO" and taking more days off. By day 3 I got suspicious and of course that was the day I checked the mail and saw a certified letter sent from the company that he worked for. Now what I did WAS WRONG, but I opened the letter immediately. It was a termination notice effective 7 days before we left for our trip. I immediately confronted him about it and it was a whole thing resulting in me asking him to seek therapy.

This most recent lie was about a chase credit card he told me had a 20k limit, it does have that limit but it's because he is an authorized user on his mother's account. I found this out after we had charged some stuff to the card and I told him I would match the minimum payment. When I asked him to pull it up so we could see what to pay and when he basically pretended for several minutes before finally admitting the truth.

I'm exhausted and I feel so fucking insecure. I have started to miss the solitude of my old apartment.

Sad girl dinner is ciabatta rolls toasted with olive oil, topped with my garden fresh bruschetta, riccotta and parm reggiano.

And he's married.

A little background, I started at my company ten years ago and we were friends then and I held a candle for him back then when he was single. I always thought he was flirting with me but I never did anything about it. Despite everyone telling me to go for it and that he likes me.

Then of course, COVID. We all go work from home and things change. One of those things is he got married and had a beautiful child. Truly my crush was gone until return to office.

I found myself really excited for the days we would work together, responding fast to his texts and establishing that "work bestie connection." I had told myself I was just excited to be around friends again but I knew the truth deep down.

I would never and am never going to go for him. He's married, and I literally feel sick to my stomach that I even have a crush on him. Thinking about another woman's husband? Not very cash money of me.

I nipped the behavior in the bud starting this week, I rearranged my in-office hours to be there when he isnt (or as little as possible), I kept the banter to a mimum and most importantly had a stern talking to with myself.

Anyway, here's some cake I pulled out of the freezer!

Dinner is an iced capp and spinach feta egg wrap with pesto.

I’m 35 weeks pregnant, and my husband and I have an almost 3-year old. I’m still trying to settle my nerves and anxiety.

We had an argument two days ago now. I had an ultrasound scheduled in the morning, and we had planned to stop by the bank to deposit a cheque of $1000 his parents had gifted him for helping them move. Prior to us getting ready to leave, he mentioned that he took some money from our emergency fund (joint savings account) to pay a bill. I was upset, because I thought we agreed to touch any money going into our emergency fund except for emergencies; I’ve been following Dave Ramsey’s method of getting out of debt and saving money, and we’re currently on baby step 3 (saving 3-6 months in emergency funds) and we only had about $1380 in it, but he took out the $380. I thought we were on the same page on this.

I asked him why didn’t he just wait until the end of the week when both of us gets paid, and he said that the bills are automatic payments taken from his checking account, and he wants to keep it at a certain amount so his account doesn’t go into overdraft, in case another automatic payment comes. I told him that we weren’t supposed to take out of our emergency funds for non-emergencies, to me this was a non-emergency. He said that we can put the money back when we get paid this upcoming Friday and we pay off our bills. So I just dropped it, but still felt upset.

When we got to the bank, he went in to deposit the cheque, and I had the thought of maybe using some of the money of the cheque to put back into the emergency fund. I brought this up to him when he got back, and he immediately got defensive and said no. It was his money.

I’m like why not put back the money from the cheque now, and wait until Friday to pay back yourself? He still said no, and said why can’t I wait until Friday to put the money back into the savings account? At this point I’m getting frustrated because he’s not understanding why this seems wrong. He said it’s not a big deal! And I said if it’s not a big deal, then why not just put the money back into our emergency fund now, because it’s a big deal for me. He got more heated, and said that he worked hard for that money, it was meant for him to buy himself a 3-D printer, and he shouldn’t have to give it up. And I told him that he doesn’t need to, and just needed to wait until Friday, it’s not like he’s going to buy the printer today. This went back and forth and both of us were just not getting on the same page. I tell him I feel likes he’s just prioritizing himself over us, he says that’s bs.

At this point I’m crying, frustrated, and I just drop it. He gets further frustrated and asked why am I not talking, he wants me to get him on the same page, I told him I’ve been trying to, but he’s not listening. The same page for him is me accepting his decision. He says “so you’re just going to shut down?” getting angrier.

Still crying, and feeling like it’s going to escalate further, I took out my phone and started a voice recording. This was probably a bad call, I’ve used it in past intense arguments, not as a way to use it against him, but the transcript helps me remember certain points and issues in our arguments, as I have a hard time reiterating what happened later on when we cool down, and from past experiences, him or I sometimes may say “that’s not what you/I said” or “no you said this…”, etc. so I’ve been using it as a way to advocate/protect/correct myself.

He saw this and got angrier. He tried grabbing my phone from my hand but I was able to get it free and put it on my side. He was driving, so couldn’t get it after that. He said he’s not doing this, and started driving back home. He’s yelling why am I doing this, why am I not on his team, that I’m selfish. He brings up past problems in our relationship that happened 6, 7 years ago, that I thought we were able to work through in therapy, such as a hidden debt I had and confessed about - one that I was able to get out of, and when I moved out of my parents house when I was 23, because I couldn’t tolerate my mom’s alcohol abuse, but against his wishes of sticking it out for another year while we were still just bf/gf.

He then says that he’s done, if I’m not going to talk to him, he’s not going to be there. He doesn’t need me. I can take the house we live in, and he’ll go.

I just sit there, while he drives home. We park in the back of our home, he goes up to the door to unlock it and throws the keys on the ground by me, closes the door and locks it. I drive myself to the ultrasound appointment, sit in the parking lot, trying to get my composure, go in 10 minutes late, check in and wait.

During this time, he messages our therapist to ask for an emergency appointment with the following text: “Hey therapist, I think we need an emergency session. u/CTooTiredtoQuibble completely shut down after we had a disagreement on our finances. We're not talking except for the idea of separating.” Our therapist says we can connect via zoom at 7 that night.

The ultrasound goes well, baby is measuring 75th percentile, and I go home. I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m anxious, I’m sad.

I get inside, he’s in the home office on work calls, and I take the rest of the day off work and start packing an overnight bag for me and our toddler. I felt things would only escalate if we were both under the same roof, and I didn’t want to be there with him. He comes out and asks if this is what he think it is. I tell him that I’m leaving for the night. He says okay.

He then says that he wants me to know that the recording is something that we'll need to talk about in therapy, assuming we even make it to therapy. He says I was gaslighting him, and that he’s done with that. He says he can't stand how I gaslight him into getting him angry, and then record him when he’s angry.

He also says that me shutting down made the situation worst, he thinks I did it on purpose to just make him angrier, while in reality, I was trying to regulate myself from escalating from crying to yelling. I explain this, and he says that the problem of regulating myself, I completely shut down from actually being able to help the situation. That I’m incapable of being able to do both, and in order for our relationship to work, both of us need to do both, regulate oneself and not shut down, but that I’m incapable of that.

There’s more crap he says, but at this point he doesn’t want to have a conversation, just wants me to know what he thought happened, how he perceives me, how he think I perceive him, how we’re not a team, justifying his decision with the finances, etc.

After he’s done his speech, I continue packing up, I have three bags, one overnight, a diaper bag, and my purse.

I go get some food for supper, pick up our toddler from daycare and head to the hotel for the night.

Our therapy session is booked for 6pm, and we hop on the call, while my toddler watches Sesame Street.

We talk about what happened, how we’re doing now in the moment. Talking with the therapist, he eventually understands why I was upset, why it may have been wrong to take money from the emergency fund without talking to me, why it made me anxious, frustrated, vulnerable. He says that emotionally he feels numb and disconnected from our relationship, this has come up previously in our previous sessions as well. Our therapist is concerned enough to want to book to individual sessions before our next couples session, to revaluate where we are and where we want to be as a couple.

After the session, I spent time with our toddler, got them down for bedtime. I maybe got two hours of sleep. My mind couldn’t settle, I was scared and anxious and was wondering if I’m going to be a single mom with a toddler and a newborn. I was so angry, why would you threaten separation to your pregnant wife in one of her most vulnerable times of her life?

The following day, after dropping toddler off at daycare and working in office for the morning, I came home over my lunch break to work the rest of the day at home. I asked if we could sit down and talk. I asked if he really wanted to separate, he wasn’t sure, and it was up to me. He said it was spoken out of anger, but he feels like he’s so disconnected from me that he just doesn’t know. He says he feels broken, and that right now he feels indifferent if we split.

Today we had our normal weekday routine and stayed civil. We have our individual sessions tonight, and not sure how it’s going to go.